Relationship Insults

Have you ever woken up from a sex dream and still felt horny? Cool, that's pretty much how your girlfriend feels after real sex.

You want my ass? You had my ass. You let my ass walk away. The only ass left is your dumbass!

You're like the first slice of bread in the bag. Everyone touches you, but nobody really wants you.

Don't feel too special, I'm only keeping your number in my phone so I know not to answer when you call.

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

You're like a tornado; you moan like hell when you come and you take the house when you leave.

Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date!

Bitch please. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

Ex: You'll never find someone like me.
You: That's the point.

Your boyfriend hasn't gotten sick from eating your tuna every night?

Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night; first the ring, THEN you wake up.

I heard you were dating my ex -- how do I taste?

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

I wish our marriage certificate came with an expiry date.

Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?

One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.

You're just mad because your hair is straighter than you are.

Bacon is bacon, eggs are eggs, don't let guys between your legs, they say you're cute, they say you're fine, nine months later they say not mine.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Garbage is dumped,
And so are you.

Your girlfriend is so ugly she went to a dog show. And won.